Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dignity is for republicans.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
