my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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