I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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