My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
