Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
