So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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