How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
