I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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