you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
