paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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