i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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