Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
