so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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