well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize