Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
