Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
