so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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