well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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