Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
