Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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