Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
