He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
