then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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