I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
