The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
