i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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