How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
