I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize