I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
