why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
