Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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