I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He did a backflip because drugs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
We smell like vodka and hangover
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