Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
