My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
