What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
