My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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