sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
