Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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