dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
