Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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