he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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