Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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