Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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