I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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