Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
