I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
