There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
