3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think my fart just growled at me.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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