No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize