I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
