Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize