i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
