u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need help removing her.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
