You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
