o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
