would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
