Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
